Lovely, Poodleface :/

I was sitting in a cramped waiting room the other day, waiting to take the first part of the GED test along with seven other people who I didn't know. Sensing how tense we all were, Poodleface was on his best behavior. He searched my chair, sat where I indicated, and, still polite and with absolutely no change in expression, ripped an impressively squeaky fart.
The situation could have become paralyzingly awkward, but it actually did just the opposite. The laughter broke the ice and we were able to relax and start talking before we were called in to test. It reminded me of another reason I'd left school, (yes, another one) that a dog fart in high school was a good excuse to toss insults at the handler.
Seriously, if you have or are going to get a service dog, never go near a teenage boy. Just don't.

Poodleface once threw up in English. I'm not sure what happened, since up until then I'd only ever seen him throw up after an all-day car ride or after he tried to swallow a treat without chewing it. But it happened, and the teacher didn't want to call the janitor. She acted like I'd said something horrible when I asked her to, like I was trying to force my responsibilities onto someone else. She told me to get some paper towels from the bathroom and clean it up myself, but anyone who's ever had a dog knows that you can't get dog vomit out of carpet using only a paper towel. There's a stain there to this day, which there probably wouldn't be if she'd contacted the man the school pays to clean instead of making a sixteen-year-old do it herself like it was some kind of punishment.

Poodleface was once accused of sexual harassment. And no, he didn't climb onto anyone's leg. One day in math class he decided that he was tired of lying on his side and wanted to lie on his back, so he rolled over. And then the girl sitting in front of me began screaming that he was flashing her.
Poodleface is a dog. He walks around wearing nothing but a collar and a vest. The entire world can, at any time, see his boy parts, but it doesn't matter, because he's a dog. According to this girl's logic the squirrel outside my window needs to be arrested for indecent exposure.

Poodleface was once framed for a crime. There's a boy in my town who I do not get along with. At all. Our feud goes back to seventh grade. I'll refer to him in this post as "Hewitt."
Hewitt, budding psychopath that he is, one day had the brilliant idea that he could probably get me in a lot of trouble if he convinced everyone that Poodleface had taken a dump somewhere in the school. So he procured some dog crap and planted it in the Junior-Senior lounge, and then he made a big deal about pointing to it and exclaiming about it and apparently got impatient after a few minutes of this and started wondering just where the hell Chuck's forever girl was and why she wasn't tearfully denying everything to a stern-faced teacher. So Hewitt, incompetent budding psychopath that he is, went looking for me and found me eating lunch in the general cafeteria, which I always do, never having set foot in the Junior-Senior lounge all year, which he would have known if he'd done some reconnaissance first. Our conversation went like this:
Hewitt: "Hey, ChuckForeverGirl. You're in trouble."
Me: "What? Oh, it's you. Get lost."
Hewitt: "Chuck shit in the lounge! You're going to get suspended."
Me: "Chuck? He's under the table. What are you talking about?"
Hewitt: "There's dog shit in the lounge. Guess you should have cleaned up after him!"
Me: "I haven't been in the lounge all day!"
Hewitt: "There's dog shit! I'll show you, come on!"
Me: "What? What did you do to the door? Is something going to fall on me?"
Hewitt: "Nothing's going to fall on you! Come on, I swear there's really dog shit!"
Just a note to all you budding psychopaths out there; it's probably a good idea to let the authorities confront your intended victim. Doing it yourself pretty much gives the whole thing away.
Hewitt: "See? See the dog shit?"
Me: "Oh, come on! That's from a freaking chihuahua!"
Then I went to the principal and sent Hewitt up the river.

Poodleface occasionally farted, followed immediately by that gleeful "Oooh!" sound that adolescent males make when they've found something new to be vulgar about.

Poodleface sometimes needed to go outside and use the grass after lunch, and the school bullies quickly learned that it's really, really fun to insult someone while they're down on the ground bagging up dog shit.

Poodleface sometimes licked his unmentionables during class. It's great that he's responsible about his personal hygiene, but I really wish he wouldn't do it in public.